Creative Fail

I think I've lost my creative ability.

My whole life I've loved crafting and sewing and creating. And what with the sewing and costume designing I did during high school, it was somewhat expected that I would go into fashion. Even though I chose to go to university rather than FIDM, I never intended to abandon the dream.

But the ugly truth is I just don't think I have it. I don't have what it takes. Oh, the desire is there. I have always wanted to create. I just have never been all that successful. There is an endless supply of books and bobbins and ribbon and fabric and tools in my room. But that's where it stops. I have half-solid ideas that never come to fruition. A few sketches I can't seem to do anything with. And every time I sit down and try to produce, it ends in frustration.

The list of skills I would like to have is endless. Sketching, painting, photography. Yet somehow I do not have what it takes to acquire those skills. That's probably my biggest fault. I am unable to reach out and try for what I want. It's not even a matter of trying and failing. I don't know how to start trying.

I have tried to ignore it, but the fact is that it's been years since I made anything, really. I think a lot about working on one of my many forgotten projects, but I can't remember the last time I actually did work on one. Tonight I finally forced myself (and really, I shouldn't have to force myself at all) to pull something out. I got all set up, spread the materials around me, tried to be excited, and found myself incredibly depressed instead and completely unable to work.

The worst feeling in the world is realizing you are not an artist, when for your whole life you banked on being one. I don't even know that I get any joy from designing anymore, since whenever I try I am so disheartened by the process.

I am not patient and never have been. I don't like things that don't come naturally to me (with the one exception of dance, and even that has its moments). I have not found what brings me peace and pleasure, and that's the real tragedy.

It really makes me panic sometimes, that I don't know what I like to do. Doesn't everyone know what they like to do? Ostensibly, I like to design and sew and knit and crochet, but in actuality, I can't convince myself to actually do it to save my life.

Identity crisis, much?